Mind of me

merry christmas 2025

by Kalvin Johnson

December 27, 2025

12/27/25 - 4:37am Zushi, Japan

Merry christmas everybody! I hope you are doing well to anyone who is reading this. It's actually been some time since I made a post, it's been almost 20 days or some shit. I'm going to try to be more consistent because I feel like writing is a passion of mine, and it's good to reflect every once in a while.

soo, what you get for chirstmas? I didn't get much. I got some clothes, and I got some really fucking rad shoes! I don't really get much like I used to, but it's never bothered me. I am grateful that I am even getting anything.

My dad cooked some ham and some homemade mashed potatoes. They were fucking good, and it was a lot of fun. I think it's getting to the point where I don't really get anything anymore, and don't get me wrong, I don't think I should be getting anything anymore either.

I'm an adult now, so it's now my time to be giving out the fun shit.

Anyways, merry christmas mothafuckass

kj

love

by Kalvin Johnson

December 3, 2025

12/3/25 - 12:44am Zushi, Japan

Love obviously is something that everyone feels, if not then I just assume you're a psychopath. But for me, It's been really hard. I've dated some girls before, and please don't think I'm trying to sound like a douchebag, I didn't really deserve any of those relationships. I am kind of a loser, and I would never judge anyone based on their dating life, It's a very bitchy thing to do, and it just decreases their self esteem.

If you are judging people who can't get a girlfriend / boyfriend, stop it. It happened to me, I was like the last person in my family to get a girlfriend, and I was judged so much for never having one. It wasn't fun being teased and even if they were doing it in a joking manner, It still made me think like "What's wrong with me? Why am I so alone?" damn that sound so fucking corny, but honestly it's how I felt, I was miserable.

Anyways, I'm single now, and for people who are single just wait. Literally all you have to do is wait, I never perused any of the girls I was with, and mainly found most of my relationships with them by just doing everyday things, like meeting them in class. I never liked how some people just treat having a girlfriend as JUST having a girlfriend. For me, it was kind like an unofficial agreement of taking care of each other, and other cliché things like that.

But

For me, the relationships just never ended. I move a lot and long distance is something that will never last for me. They just faded away. It was a lot of fun skipping class, going by the dumpsters and smoking with a girl who mirrored me, but like other things, it eventually came to an end.

I don't know what saw she in me, but she always agreed with anything I said, she always supported anything I did.

A couple of months ago I rejected a girl, and now I'm kind of regretting it. I 100% agree if you think that it is my fault that I rejected this girl, and I don't hold anything against you if you think that, I feel the same way. But she is a girl who does exactly what I do, and she likes the same music, and she likes smoking, and like doing things that are unorthodox.

I don't think like it's completely done, because every time on Instagram she's always the first one to like my shit, like always the first person.

I'm such a fucking idiot, but I accept it. I'll try talking to her, but I don't know how that looks from her perspective.

kj

take the way home, it leads back to sullivan street

by Kalvin Johnson

November 30, 2025

11/30/25 - 12:25am Zushi, Japan

That is a line from the song "Sullivan Street." I was looking back on the past and where I've been. We all have a place that we associate ourselves with. Whether it be a big fucking place or a very small place in the world.

A place that is similar to what I'm talking about is my grandparents' house in Butler, Pennsylvania. This place to other people may seem like any other countryside type of place, but to me it's like the most perfect place I've ever been. The smell of the summer, and sitting on the porch with my grandpa when I was younger, fuck.. that's the best thing I've ever felt in my life.

It's like that place is magic to me. It was during a time in my life when I had no worries. I was so young and just blinded with naivety and innocence, it felt so good to be there. That place is associated with happiness and bliss.

I always remembered it being so orange outside, so sunny and hot, and also the green grass and vast field of nature surrounding me. It was so fucking nice to be there.

I haven't been there in almost SIX years. I plan on going back next month to visit some family, but what I want to do is just sit outside like I used to and just look outside. I don't even want to think about the past, I just want to sit there again and just observe a place that I see as magic.

It's a complete time capsule; that place hasn't changed in the last century, and it will always feel like home to me, even though I currently reside in Japan.

My grandparents' house is my home, and I will always see it that way.

kj

i'm i feeling better?

by Kalvin Johnson

November 23, 2025

11/23/25 - 11:41pm Zushi, Japan

It's been a couple of days since I last posted, I just didn't want to talk about what happened that day. I am still SHOCKED, I just never thought that I was mentally "ill". I still don't think it's real, and I still find it hard to believe that I have a problem.

As of lately, I've been okay. Not good, not bad, just okay. Everything feels like it's supposed to be. That's what makes it hard for me to believe I have mental issues, no indication that I have anything wrong with me. Everything feels the same as it's always been for my entire life.

So yeah.
I'm okay.

kj

minimalism

by Kalvin Johnson

November 16, 2025

11/16/25 - 4:03am Zushi, Japan

Does any one else REALLY hate minimalism? I don't know but I REALLY despise it. For example, windows. Windows 11 has such a boring white / grey layout, it's just so cooperate and lifeless. I remember windows 7, the computer labs at my school used to have them, and I remember how cool it looked. It looked like you could touch it, the glass and sort of realistic look it had. It actually had character and life.

But with windows 11, it's SO boring. You would expect with WAY better technology we'd be more creative, but that's not the case. It's like when we have more opportunity, we look for shortcuts and are less creative. We aren't hindered by limits, and back then we had to think out the box and be more creative. Now that we have everything, we don't have to be as creative. It's so easy to make something, there's no reason to be as creative and that's what pisses me off.

It's not just computers, it's pretty much everything. Most logos that you know have fallen into minimalism. An example is Firefox. Firefox actually had a fox, but now it's some stupid ass orange line. How the fuck are you gonna remove something that's LITERALLY in the name.

When will company's realize that EVERYTHING doesn't have to be minimalistic? I understand minimalism is more readable and easy to see / use, but making EVERYTHING minimalistic is so cooperate and stale.

fuck

i wish everything was more creative

kj

poseidon

by Kalvin Johnson

November 12, 2025

11/12/25 - 11:10pm Zushi, Japan

It's one of the oldest drawings I still have. I think it was in like 7th grade or something like that. That class was so fucking boring so I ALWAYS sketched in that class. I think it's pretty good, I was like 12 or something like that.

Yeah, I kind of drew a lot a couple years ago, I think I still can draw, but for some reason I haven't done it in a long time. Don't get me wrong, drawing is one of the most fun things I am okay at. I've been busy with guitar, so maybe that's why I haven't drew in a long time.

I'm not that good at drawing, it probably took me 2 classes to finish this, but I am still proud of it. I plan on getting back to drawing, so that will be fun when I do it again!

ugh

i hate my skinny fingers

kj

four days 

by Kalvin Johnson

November 11, 2025

11/11/25 - 9:41pm Zushi, Japan

It's a four day weekend, and it's pretty nice. Nothing really interesting, just relaxing and enjoying these days. Next week is gonna be soo annoying, Spanish test tomorrow, and a guitar performance on Thursday, with a teacher I don't like.

wow..

Next week might suck, but it's only three days so hopefully it won't be that bad. Also math, that class is gonna be so fucking boring. Hopefully my friends can make it better lol.



That's pretty much it, I can't think of anything else to put here so yeah.

kj

music and emotion

by Kalvin Johnson

November 6, 2025

11/6/25 - 6:08pm Zushi, Japan

Who doesn't like music? If you don't I think you don't actually know what artistic ambiguity is but it's alright :>.

I love music, it helps me escape the bullshit that is life. I've been so pissed off lately over nothing. Like I've said before, I don't know why I feel this way. It just gets so annoying, like there's days where I'm literally COMPLETELY fine, and then there's days where I want to slap a child across the face and for what? NOTHING.

Music helps me escape that, it calms me down. Like I said on previous posts, Counting Crows is my favorite band of all time, and their music has themes of anger, depression, and other things of that nature. Listening to it makes me feel like I'm not alone in feeling angry.

When I'm angry, I'm not like angry at people, I'm more just angry in general. You can come up and talk to me no matter WHAT it is and you would have no idea that I'm feeling SOO angry.

I just don't like bringing people down, why would I rub or express my miserableness onto somebody else? That pisses me off just thinking about it. As I'm writing this, I feel a little better so im okay. All day during school I listened to music, and it helped me a lot, but I still felt like beating the shit out of the guy sitting next to me this one period cuz of how annoying that mfer is. At least that pedophile teacher got fired, that guy would've ruined my life by now.

I'll be fine, 18 years of this shit and I'm still kicking, don't worry.

"I wish that I was anesthetized and sterilized, and then we wouldn't have this evidence congealing. Surprise, surprise. Another pair of lips and eyes, and that is the consequence of actually feeling" ad

kj

no school

by Kalvin Johnson

October 28, 2025

10/28/25 - 9:52am Zushi, Japan

School wasn't cancelled but I decided still not to go. Donald trump is visiting the base I live, and because of that school was like 3 hours long. There was no point of me going at all because it takes me an hour bus ride to get there, and an hour to get back. Like, 2 hours of literally just getting there, and one hour of doing what? it would've been the most boring thing ever!

Some of my friends live on the base, meaning they had no excuse but to go lol. Guess I'm just lucky this time haha.

Today wasn't eventful at all. I stayed at home and did what I would usually do when it's the weekend. I just played games and listened to music. I'm listening to Angels of The Silences as I'm currently writing this. No school, and a pretty boring day I'd say.

That's all, see ya.

kj

Palisades Park

by Kalvin Johnson

October 27, 2025

10/27/25 - 5:50pm Zushi, Japan

Palisades Park is a song by the band Counting Crows. I've talked about Counting Crows before but this was a song that I never really gotten into until just recently.

All I have to say is that this song is 110% a masterpiece and it is definitely one of the most best and profound things I've ever listened to. Some people perceive the song differently but I'll tell you how I see it.

I think the song is about two friends, who are spending their early years going through some wild shit, but in a good way. It goes through memories of wild drunken nights, heartbreak, and reflection. The person I think is looking back on his life, and realizing how those moments have shaped them to who they are today.

The song begins with a 1:30 minute intro of beautiful trumpets, which I'd imagine is what being in Palisades Park is like. It encapsulates how it's like to be there. It then picks up, something more cinematic, it contrasts with the slow intro of the song.

Emotionally, it feels like a memory, very slow and vivid. It's not told in a perfectly straight line, but going from memory to memory. There is a very melancholy feeling to it. The person is not bitter about what he has now, but he is kind of haunted by the fact that something so innocent and fun has passed. Those memories that have shaped this person to who he is now, are just memories. he can only remember them, he can't be there anymore and cannot relive them. The park acts as a metaphor for the good times and freedom that they experienced early in their lives. Back when reality wasn't a thing we thought about. Back when time was just a concept, and before heartbreak was a thing they experienced.

Now it's full swing, time has passed so fast but the memories are so far from what we see as the present.

Adam sings about running off, taking chances, and falling in love. It's filled with so much adrenaline and color and it's so fucking well done. Time's passed and now the color is just a reflection, the tone is softer, and now he is alone years later, wondering where what happened to the people that shaped him, wondering where it all went.

It's also about identity and change, how we will all eventually grow apart from the past versions we used to be. There's a sense of sadness, realizing that you can't relive those moments, even if they are so vivid in your head, like your still there but it's just in your head.

By the time he is older, he's alone because the wild memories he once experienced and his drifting life couldn't last forever. I don't thing any lasts forever to be honest. He's chased experiences, chased freedom, and love, but maybe never found a stable place or person to continue making memories that will last a lifetime. In youth, you think a moment will last forever, but you're just a kid. Even grown up, things sometimes just don't last forever.

There is emotional distance that comes with this person reflecting. This person is a watcher of his own memories, replaying them like films. He's older now, quieter, and maybe more wiser, but that innocence and wildness is still there. Back in the ay he was wild with his friends and they were wild with him too. He tries being wild, trying to relive a memory that is fading, but it isn't the same. He is surrounded by people who aren't wild, aren't free and this makes him sad, wondering why life isn't as free as it was before. He's not bitter about it though, just trying to understand how time slipped away so quickly.

It's not being physically lonely, it's about the solitude that comes with living with the big memories, and being left wondering what they meant at that time and whether they meant something or added up to something that would truly last forever.

Those memories still exist, it's just in the past not in the present. He's alone now because that what time is. It strips away the everything and leaves you face to face with not just the memories, but with yourself and the memories you've experienced.

Palisades Park doesn't just try to capture what this is like, it IS what it's like. You can't be young forever, and the loneliness can be so loud when filled with memory.

The song ends with the person, young and innocent in Palisades Park, a place that he associates with happiness and freedom. Then it dissolves into the same person, older, his eyes having a sense of wonder and sorrow, wondering why the place that supposed to be happiness, and freedom is no longer what he remembers. He took a train to Palisades Park just to find out it's not his memories, no one but him remembers what he remembers. He's alone, his friends are not there, he remembers Palisades Park as the memories he's experienced, his friends have moved on with life, but he hasn't, he wants what was before, but it will never be the same. His memories of Palisades Park are in his head, but are not living in the present, it's not real anymore.

If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts.

kj